Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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