the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
