I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
