Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
