...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
