Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
