A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
