i wish my penis had a tongue
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
