I feel great
I just peed on a car
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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