plz talk dirty to me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize