You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
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