I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
