i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
