woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
