god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
