he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
