I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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