JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
