So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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