haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
FUCK WHALES
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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