Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
