I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
