Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I met the friendliest cop last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
