Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize