hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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