Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
