Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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