We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
