I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
