So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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