I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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