that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
it's like iHOP with fire
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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