Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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