Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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