that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize