nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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