I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
