a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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