I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
