You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
