Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
