Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
