Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
