We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
