How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
