I wish my penis had an off switch
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize