I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
