if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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