I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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