He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
