So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
