So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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