Just took my morning after pill in the library
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
