the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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