You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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