I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dicks are not precious.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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