i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
