If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
