Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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