Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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