The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
