I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
