And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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