A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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