i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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