i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
