When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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