He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
BRING THE BAGELS
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
