Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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