He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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