You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
