You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
